10 Different Types of Clients

Written by Christian on February 22, 2009 in Funny - 2 Comments

After having worked with a number of clients as well as listened to my colleages talk about companies and folks they've worked with, I thought I'd draft up a handy list identifying the various types of clients you may run into. I've found that this list is extremely official and scientific, so you should be able to refer to it and instantly identify a potential client. Enjoy!

1. The Gabbo Client The name for this client stems from the episode of The Simpsons titled "Krusty Gets Kancelled." In the episode everyone in Springfield sees commercials and billboards saying "Gabbo! Gabbo! Gab-bo!", but nobody knew what the heck Gabbo was. A Gabbo Client is someone who hires you to help out with their site, and when you take a look at the site you have no idea what the hell they're selling, what the site's purpose is, what it's focusing on, or why it even exists. You: "What…is this?" Client: "We've got videos!" You: "Yeah…I'm still not getting it though. What's the site's purpose?" Client: "Check out this funny article about marshmallows! We've got another one about Jay-Z!" You: "Uh, so…you're selling…rap s'mores?" You're gonna like me! You're gonna LOVE me!

2. The Lumbergh Client You've all seen Office Space, so I'm sure you're familiar with the boss, Bill Lumbergh. A Lumbergh Client is someone who is unfazed by your efforts and instead needs you to "go ahead" and make a bunch of ridiculous changes to their site, even if you're only providing consulting work. Client: "Yeeeeah, I'm gonna need you to go ahead and manage our paid search account." You: "I don't do paid search." Client: "Greeeeat. I'm also gonna need you to redo our landing pages and increase clickthrough rates by 110%." You: "I'm only providing consulting. Don't you have a team or a staff to handle these–" Client: "Greeeeeat. We'll touch base at the end of the week." [hangs up] Yeeeeahhhh…

3. The Flatterbut Client Flatterbuts are people who flatter you, then follow it up with a "…but…" Client: "This site design is really incredible." You: "Why thank you! I'm glad you like it!" Client: "Really, this is just great work." You: Aw, well thanks." Client: "I just love it…buuuuuuut…I really want the whole thing to be in Flash." You: "Again, I really appreciate your–wait, what?"

4. The Jessie Spano Client For all you Saved By the Bell fans out there, I'm sure you remember the infamous episode where goody goody Jessie Spano gets addicted to caffeine pills and freaks out: A Jessie Spano Client is someone who initially is "so excited" to work with you but ultimately gets overwhelmed by all the changes that you recommend and has a massive freakout from the stress of having to do a complete site overhaul. Most Jessie Spano Clients don't end up implementing any of your recommendations because they're afraid of a) losing rankings (even though you repeatedly tell them it's temporary at worst), b) confusing customers with the new "confusing" design, c) making the site more complicated, or d) all of the above.

5. The BTJ Client The BTJ Client (or Bigger Than Jesus) is someone who is obsessed with getting a PR9 or PR10 site, no matter what you tell them or how hard you try to convince them that Page Rank isn't something they should obsess over. Client: "I really want us to get a PR10 ranking." You: "Um, for your wool socks site?" Client: "Yes. It can't be that hard, right? Lots of sites have PR10s, yeah?" You: "Well, there's Google.com…" Client: "Okay, maybe a PR10 is a bit of a lofty goal. How about a PR9? I think we're PR9 material. Which sites have a PR9?" You: "Uh, Yahoo.com…"

6. The DEFCON 1 Client We've all had a DEFCON 1 Client. They somehow manage to freak out over everything. Client: "Did you get my 24 emails?!" You: "I saw them in my inbox and thought I'd call. Is something wrong?" Client: "YES! It's terrible! I don't know what to do! How do we fix this?!" You: "What's wrong?" Client: "When I check my site's rankings from home it says we're at #5, but then when I'm at the office it says we're at #6!" You: "Uh…" Client: "Also, Yahoo! Site Explorer said we had 312,947 links last week, but this week it's only reporting 312,522 links! How'd we lose 400 links in a week?!" You: "Oh dear…

" 7. The H8tr Client (aka The Haterade Client, aka The Negative Nelly Client) You know how it goes with these guys: You: "What did you think of my recommendations?" Client: "Hated them. Can't execute any." You: "Uh…well, what about our design mockups?" Client: "Not one is remotely feasible." You: "Well, did you at least get my holiday gift basket?" Client: "I'm allergic to nuts. Also, I hate Christmas." 8. The T-800 Client This quote from The Terminator sums up T-800 Clients quite nicely:

It can't be bargained with. It can't be reasoned with. It doesn't feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are dead.

Well, maybe not dead. More like "it will not stop until you've gotten it top rankings."

Client: "I want #1 rankings." You: "Well actually it looks like you're getting great clickthrough and conversion rates from the position you're currently at, so I don't know how much moving up a couple spots will help you out…" Client: "I want #1 rankings." You: "I mean, if anything, you could focus on usability and worry more about the customer experience on your site…" Client: "I want #1 rankings." You: "Sigh. Okay, I'll see what I can do." Client: "I'll be back."

Either looking for Sarah Conner or top rankings…

9. The Brainy Smurf Client

This type of client fancies himself an expert on Internet marketing despite actually knowing very little. He usually latches onto a buzz word he's just heard and spouts nonsensical information in a smug, know-it-all fashion:

Client: "We're really angling for a holistic social media approach, because, you know, content is king and we need that link juice!" You: "What do you mean exactly?" Client: "Well, you're supposed to be the expert, but I'll tell you what I think. Basically, we really think that canonical long tail latent semantic indexing is what's going to put our site over the top…blogosphere." You: "Is that even English?" Client: "Linkerati!"

Jerk.

10. The Holy Grail Client

Finding a Holy Grail Client is like finding a $20 bill in a six-month old Christmas card that you were going to throw away. It's like stepping on the scale and discovering you've lost 10 lbs. It's like trying something for the first time and discovering that you're a natural. While the perfect client isn't quite as elusive as unicorns, leprechauns, or unicorn-riding leprechauns, they're nonetheless tough to come by. Nonetheless, once you do work with a Holy Grail Client, you remember how satisfying client work can be. These are the folks who are excited to work with you, trust your recommendations, appreciate your hard work and efforts, understand your reasoning and are able to grasp various concepts, and genuinely love everything you've done for them. Holy Grail Clients make me happy. I wish they were all like you… What types of clients have I failed to mention? Got any good ones to share?